


Bitter Heart

by DragonsFeather



Category: Dragon Age
Genre: Angst, Drama, Friendship, M/M, Romance, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-29
Updated: 2012-01-29
Packaged: 2017-10-30 07:29:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,482
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/329296
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DragonsFeather/pseuds/DragonsFeather
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Takes place during Act 2, after Bitter Pill's quest. Hawke worries for Fenris, who's obsessed by his past and need for revenge. Moreover, the rogue's feelings for the elf don't seem to help.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This story is ased on Hawke and Fenris's scene after the Bitter Pill quest, and the consequences.

Thanking the Maker was what Vlad wanted to do right now. He was very relieved when he saw Fenris sitting on one of the bench seats. The elf had gone missing after what had happened in the Holding Caves with Hadriana. Vlad had thought he had returned to his mansion, but he hadn't been there, increasing his worries.  
At first, he had wanted to look for him, but Anders and Varric had been against it, stating that Kirkwall was a big town, and searching in the Wounded Coasts was pointless. With no indication on the elf's whereabouts, the search would have probably failed.  
Reluctantly, Vlad had agreed that the best thing to do was to wait for his return. A few days had passed before Varric had come over and said that he had seen the elf in Lowtown last night. And now, the warrior was in his mansion, unhurt.

"Here you are..." Vlad said. Fenris nodded and stood up, not meeting his gaze at first.

"I've... been thinking about what happened with Hadriana." he said, turning to face him "You and I don't always see eye to eye, but that doesn't mean you deserved my anger. I owe you an apology."

"Fenris..." Vlad said, shaking his head "It's alright, it doesn't matter. But I had no idea where you went, I was concerned."

"I... needed to be alone. I probably shouldn't have left like that, but I needed to. If I worried you, then I'm sorry." The elf did sound sincere, but Vlad knew that he needed to talk.

"How are you feeling?" he asked. Fenris thought for a moment and began pacing.

"... When I was still a slave, Hadriana was a torment. She would ridicule me, deny my meals, hound my sleep... Because of her status, I was powerless to respond and she knew it." Fenris was looking back at Vlad with a deep frown. He was getting angry. The rogue didn't say anything, though. For now, it was better to let him talk. "The thought of her slipping out of my grasp now... I couldn't let her go. I wanted to, but I couldn't."

"I see..." While Vlad understood his anger, the fact that Fenris was still obsessed with his past was a problem. The elf couldn't possibly start a new life if he didn't let it behind, and that worried the rogue. "Your need for revenge is consuming you."

"And what would you have me do?" Fenris said, still frowning. "Hadriana came after me! I have never had the option to simply walk away! Am I supposed to forgive, no matter how many times they hunt me down? Am I supposed to forget all the things they've done to me?!"

"You already have the answer. Just look at yourself." Vlad said sighing in mid-frustration. "You can't move on. You're tied to your hate, to your past. Stop being so stubborn and admit that you need help... You may not be wearing the chains anymore, but you are NOT free. "

"YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT BEING A SLAVE!" Vlad was surprised at this outburst. He had seen Fenris angry before, but now he looked furious. But whether it was directly at the rogue or not, he was unsure. "It's a sickness, this hate! The dark growth inside me that I can't ever get rid of! And they put it there!"

"Then, let me help you with it." Vlad said calmly as he put his hands on Fenris's shoulders. But the elf shook them off.

"Ah... This... isn't why I came here." Fenris sighed and turned around.

"Marker's breath, stop being so bloody stubborn!"

"Easier said than done. I better go."

"Hold on! You cannot do this alone, Fenris!" The elf paused in mid-way, before shaking his head.

"No doubt you are right..." Was that all he was going to say? Vlad had a hard time to believe it. But Fenris was very thick-headed and didn't even bother looking at him when he said that: he just kept on walking away. But the rogue wasn't about to let him go so easily. Quickly, he rushed and slammed the door shut just as his companion was opening it. "Hawke?"

"Stop this, you can't just leave like that." The rogue said. "Why do you always do that?"

"And just what am I supposed to do?" the elf replied, frowning.

"How about staying, for a change? It's not like you'll be safer in your mansion..."

"It's not like you're the one who's being chased for six years!"

"Good grief, Fenris, that's not the point! You'll never be able to move forward if you keep on-"

"Stop saying that! Do you think I actually enjoy this?!" That was it, another argument. Vlad hated them, but as much as he cared for Fenris, sometimes his patience was running low with him. "You said that I wasn't truly free. Of course, I know that! But how can I just forget a past that keeps on catching up with me?! What they have done to me! What they keep on doing! I've no choice but to keep on fighting on my own!"

"That's not true. Don't forget that I am here, at your side." The rogue replied, raising an eyebrow. "Or am I just still a mere mercenary for you? Still some guy you employed for... distraction?"

"No! I-"

"No, let me finish. You're wrong, Fenris. You do have the choice. I've always been here for you, and I still am. Open your eyes for once!" The rogue sighed, trying to stay calm. What was the point of yelling at him, anyway? This conversation wasn't getting anywhere. He just wanted to make Fenris understood that he cared. "I'm right there, if only you'd let me..."

"..."

"And didn't you just say that I was right? When I said that you couldn't do this alone?" The elf wasn't looking at him anymore. Gently, Vlad lift his chin to make him meet his midnight-blue eyes. "Or did I... misunderstand? If so, then tell me, Fenris. If not... then, please stay."

For a moment, the elf didn't say anything, his gaze shifting from the door to Vlad. The rogue waited patiently, his hand gently letting go of the elf's chin, but remaining on it, absently tracing the lyrium markings. He knew the elf was hesitating, but he was thankful he didn't try to pull his hand away. Their relationship had been getting stranger over the last weeks. To Isabella and everyone else, they were a couple. The truth was a bit more complicated. In fact, they had done nothing more than sharing glances, and sometimes gentle touches. Kisses were pretty rare. In fact, the only time Vlad really did it had been the night the warrior told him the story of his escape. Since then, Vlad had only given him pecks from time to time, as Fenris didn't even let him do much more. Was it because he had never been with anyone, for as far as he remembered? Because of the physical and mental abuse he had suffered from when he was Danarius's slave? He didn't know. And he wasn't going to ask. There were more important things to deal with right now.

"Fenris..." Gently, he leaned down to kiss him but before he could, his lips met fingers. The elf had blocked his mouth just before he could reach him. Again.

"... I better go for now." The elf gently pulled his hand away, opening the door again. "We... I'll think about it. I'll see you later."

Vlad watched as he left his mansion, not stopping him. It seemed like Fenris truly didn't know what to do and needed to be alone once more. But loneliness wasn't meant for him. The elf had been alone for so long, he needed to be with someone who cared for him. Someone like Vlad. The rogue only wished for the elf to understand that. And that it wasn't hopeless...

*****During the evening*****

Standing at a window outside his bedroom, Vlad absently looked outside, deep in thoughts. The night had fallen a few hours ago, but he wasn't tired. He had too much in mind.  
The last days' events kept on replaying in his head. The hunters' attack, the fight with Hadriana, the revelations, Fenris's disappearance... and their talk. Vlad pondered on whether to go see Fenris or not. He didn't want the elf to think that he wasn't going to give him space if he needed some. But he was simply worried, and wondering what the elf was going to do. Fenris had said back in the Holding Caves that trying to find this supposed sister was too risky. Vlad had agreed and also been relieved.  
Tension was high in Kirkwall, especially as people were worrying more and more about the Qunari... and Vlad knew that he had to stay here and do as much as he could to avoid things to go down the hill. He wouldn't be able to follow Fenris if the elf decided to go and find her. He was needed here, and couldn't simply do whatever he wanted.  
But slavers and hunters were probably still out to get him, anyway... No doubt Fenris knew it would be too dangerous for him to leave the city.

"Master?" Hearing the little voice, Vlad turned around and smiled at Orana.

"Yes? Is something the matter?" he asked.

"A friend of yours just arrived. He's waiting downstairs." she said before bowing and leaving.

Vlad frowns before going down the stairs. Someone coming at his hour? Could it be Fenris? He hoped so, but he wasn't sure. Possibly Varric. The dwarf had come over several times to play cards and talk. But his friend didn't say he'd be coming tonight. Maybe Sebastian. After all, he was the only one the prince spent most of his time with... when he wasn't at the Chantry.  
Vlad could only hope it wasn't Anders with another version of his manifesto. As much as he appreciated the mage, the rogue was tired and knew he'd simply throw in the fireplace whatever Anders would bring to convince to join him in his 'fight for freedom'. He didn't deny that the mages' situation in Kirkwall wasn't improving. He himself never stopped worrying his sister who was locked in the Gallows too. But as much as he cared for the mages, he didn't share the apostate's opinions.

But when he arrived to welcome the friend Orana talked about, he abruptly stopped. Standing near the bench seats was Fenris. He did come back. Sooner than he expected.  
Seeing him, the elf walked over.

"Fenris?"

"I've been thinking of you..." He said. Stopping just a few inches from him, the elf slowly raised his hand and put it on the rogue's shoulder. "In fact, I've been able to think of little else."

"I've been waiting." Vlad said, feeling his heartbeat starting to speed up. "But I didn't think you'd really come."

"I didn't think so, either." The elf's face was so close, his green eyes staring right at Vlad's midnight blue ones. "But you did ask me to stay, and I couldn't forget it. But if you've changed your mind, then... command to go, and I shall."

There was no hesitation anymore. Fenris even looked hopeful. And so was the rogue. He wanted nothing more than for him to be there. He lift his hand and gently caressed the elf's cheek.

"Did I say anything?" he simply said. He wasn't going to tell him to leave. All he was asking for was for the elf to be with him. But he didn't have time to say it, as Fenris put his arms around his neck and kissed him on the lips. It wasn't a simple peck to show affection. But a real kiss, a tad passionate and slowly growing tender. Something Vlad didn't expect him to do, but he didn't mind at all. The rogue wasted no time to answer and hugged the elf. He enjoyed this. But he wanted more. Much more.  
Breaking the kiss, he grabbed the elf's arms and pushed him against the wall before going back on kissing him, this time harder. He wasn't going to give him a chance to leave. Not this time. His body pressed against his, his hands on the wall, he moved his lips down the elf's neck, pressing kisses and nipping on the tender flesh. He felt the elf tightening his hold on him, his breathing hitching. Vlad could feel his own heart pounding, the desire growing stronger.

"Fenris..." He whispered, moving his arms down to hug him again. The elf simply moved and kissed his chin and neck, still holding onto him. Vlad closed his eyes, feeling the air getting hot. Here he was, standing with the object of his affection and desire in his arms... It might be his chance to make Fenris really his. "Come with me."

He let go of Fenris and took his wrist, heading for his bedroom. He didn't need to drag the elf, as his companion wasted no time to follow, both ignoring whoever was watching them. It didn't take long before they reached Vlad's room. The rogue closed the door behind him, staring at it for a moment. He knew what was going to happen, and things would never be the same again after that. But he didn't care. He wanted to enjoy the moment, no matter what.  
When he turned around, Fenris took his face in his hands and kissed him deeply, something that surprised him again and made him ignore the cold feeling of steel claws on his skin. The elf truly seemed ready for this. But he had been the one to come to him, after all.  
But the way he was kissing him, with no hesitation, his body pressed against the rogue... Vlad knew what it meant. He didn't need to hold back any longer.  
Tonight, he would show him how he trully felt.


	2. Chapter 2

The light was dim, leaving the room in semi-darkness. But it wasn't dark enough to disturb Vlad. The rogue was used to using the shadows at his advantage during a fight... but now, said-fight would be one against his feelings. Feelings that made his heart pounding as he looked at Fenris. A fight he knew he already lost.  
Both men only wearing their undergarments, the rogue was sitting on the bed, the elf straddling his thighs, as he gently kissed the markings on his collar, sometimes tracing them with the tip of his tongue. He knew how Fenris hated them, despite the fact that they did help him to escape and come to Kirkwall. The rogue understood. He'd never dare telling him that he found them both horrible and fascinating on him.

Pulling away, his fingers gently traced the waving lines on the elf's chest. He felt Fenris tensing sightly before slowly relaxing. The elf had told him how the memory of the agony he had suffered from the ritual still lingered. Vlad wasn't surprised that physical contact could still be difficult, but he was willing to go slow. He leaned down and started kissing his chest, tracing the marks with his lips and tongue. He couldn't resist. Fenris was just so beautiful...

"Hawke..." Looking up, Vlad smiled gently at him. Fenris's eyes were half-closed, but the way he was staring at him... there was no hesitation. The elf took his face in his hands and kissed him as he pressed himself closer. The contact felt great and the rogue let himself falling down, his head on the pillows, letting Fenris taking charge for a while. While he knew the elf wanted this as much as him, he could still feel him tensing at time. He wasn't sure why, but Vlad figured he could as well let him do whatever he wanted.

Attraction. That was all there was at their first meeting. He had always found the elf awesome, and had let him know very quickly. But it had also been a challenge. Vlad had never had much trouble to get what or whoever he'd wanted before. Vlad did find Isabella and Anders both attractive, but... on the night he had met Fenris, everything had changed. Bethany had laughed when he had told her that the elf was different and outstanding them, and had teased him quite a few times about it. What would she say if she knew what was going on right now?

Years. It had taken quite a long time with Fenris. A game of hide and seek that finally ended tonight. They might have been together for a few weeks, but the rare display of affection before tonight was very frustrating for Vlad.  
And also scary, as he had realized over time that attraction and desire weren't the only feelings he had for Fenris anymore. He wanted more with the warrior. Things have changed considerably since their first meeting. It was different from his past relationships, where pleasure was what mattered the most. But tonight was... different. Both didn't want to rush it, they wanted to please the other... And despite his apparent lack of experience, Fenris seemed to know what to do. And what he wanted. And it felt good. Very good.

The body heat. The room still felt hot, even after Fenris had removed their undergarments. But the elf didn't seem to care, straddling the rogue and nipping on his neck, his hands going lower. Swallowing hard, Vlad slowly sat up. Their chests and groins pressed together, he hugged the elf, gently caressing his back as he slowly caught his breath. He wanted this moment to last.  
Turning over, he laid the elf down on the bed, and proceeded to go down on him. The noises he gained in return from him showed that he was doing the right thing.

Patience. They might not always agree on the mages' situation, but they had always looked out for each other. Vlad had learned to be patient with him. Understanding his problems had been long, but it was hard to be able to help when Fenris was still reluctant to opening up completely. He knew he had the elf's respect and trust... enough to be able to tell him about his escape... and enough to let him touch him like this... but his scars still weren't closed.  
He wouldn't give up, however. Patience was important and always brought him satisfaction. It could work in any situation, and even now, tonight. He knew this as he gently prepared Fenris with his fingers and the oil he usually kept to relax his muscles and avoid cramps after a day of fighting enemies.  
It was very long, but necessary. Hurting the elf was the last thing he wanted to do.

One. When he crawled back up and looked at Fenris's face, the elf grabbed his head again and kissed him with passion before wrapping his arms around his shoulders. The exchange didn't last long however. When Vlad lift the elf's hips and proceeded to claim him, his body tensed again and he let go of the rogue, biting his lower lip to repress sounds of pain. The rogue paused, doing his best to ignore his own body's protest and burning need to keep going, and saw the lyrium markings glowing. A defensive reaction.  
The elf grabbed his arms, holding tightly, but he wasn't pushing him away.

"Fenris..." he managed to say, swallowing hard and trying to ignore just how painfully Fenris's grips were. If the elf kept that up, he could end up breaking his arms. "Open your eyes. Please."

After a moment, the grips loosened up considerably and Fenris finally looked at him, breathing slowly. The rogue looked right back before leaning and kissing his still-glowing chest, waiting and trying to get him to relax again. It was hard to wait, as his body was burning for more. But he kept control, as this moment was not supposed to be disastrous.  
After a moment, the rogue could feel Fenris slowly relaxing around him, until the markings slowly stopped glowing. His breathing was also less hitching and Vlad felt the elf letting go of his arms. At first, the rogue didn't react, but when his lover opened his eyes and nodded at him, he understood.  
This time, he didn't stop. How many nights did Vlad spend dreaming of this moment? He had long lost count. And it didn't matter anymore.

*****In the morning*****

The sound of someone walking in the room woke him up. He opened his eyes and shut them again, remembering what had happened last night: Fenris coming over, willing to stay and... a long night of love-making. Had it just been a dream again? Sighing faintly, he remembered: Kisses and gentle touches, the longing looks, the noises Fenris was making... Finally he opened his eyes and brought his left arm up. There were fingers marks. Right were Fenris had squeezed his arms when he had claimed him. Everything was too fresh. Too real.  
Vlad looked at his side... and saw no one. Freezing for a second, he turned over, wondering where his lover was.  
A wave of relief washed over him as he saw Fenris standing there, facing the fireplace, completely dressed. It had been real. Prompting himself up on his elbow, he observed the elf, who didn't seem to have heard him. Actually, with his hand on the fireplace and his head low, he looked like he was in deep thoughts. Like there was a problem.

"Was it... THAT bad?" Vlad asked half-jokingly. He was pretty sure he had been careful enough to not hurt Fenris. And that the elf had enjoyed it, if the initial pain wasn't taken into account.  
The elf turned around and shook his head hesitantly.

"I'm sorry, it's not.... it was fine." Fine? They had shared an amazing night and it was just fine to him? Vlad felt disappointed. But before he could say anything, his lover continued. "No... that is... insufficient. It was better than anything I could have dreamed."

The rogue felt relieved at that. It felt exactly the same way to him. However, he could sense that something wasn't right. The elf still looked very uncomfortable. Something was definitely wrong, but he couldn't put a finger on it.  
He knew Fenris had no memory of his past, nor did he try to be with someone ever since the ritual. Maybe that was it.

"Was it... too strange to be with another man?" He asked carefully. Vlad had been with men and women before. But as for Fenris, it was another matter. "You know... If it is, I understand it may feel... different. Well, no, not different since you haven't been with woman either, but... What I mean is that I can help you with that."

Babbling was supposed to be Merrill's talent, not his. Vlad felt a bit like an idiot. But it never occurred to him that Fenris might feel uncomfortable with this matter. After all, the elf had never minded all the flirts.  
But the elf shook his head again.

"It's not that." he said before pacing. Vlad sat up, waiting. "I've begun to remember... my life before, just... flashes. It's too much... this is too fast! I cannot... do this!"

"Hold on a minute." Vlad interrupted. The last words made his heart missing a beat. But he decided to ignore it. Something Fenris just said was stranger. "Your life before? What do you mean?"

"I've never remembered anything from before the ritual." The rogue nodded, waiting. "But there were faces... words... for just a moment I could recall all of it... and then it slipped away."

Vlad didn't know if he should laugh about this or not. Their night together brought his memories back temporally? How could that be a bad thing? Smiling, he shrugged.

"If it brings your memories back, then maybe we should do it more often." he said. He liked the idea very much, actually. "Very often, actually. I don't see how it can be bad."

"Perhaps you don't realize just how upsetting that is." The elf turned around, staring at the fire. "I've never remembered anything..."

"Fenris-"

"And to have it all come back in a rush only to loose it... I can't." He turned around, looking at Vlad with sorrow. "I can't."

All happy feelings Vlad had felt were now gone. He felt his heart sinking. Fenris was afraid of what was happening... to the point of leaving? The rogue shook his head, refusing to believe it. There was no way he was going to let the elf doing this.

"Fenris, no." He said, trying to keep his voice firm but still gentle. "I don't want you to run away from this. I'm here, you know you can count on me to help you."

"Not this time, Hawke."

"But I care about you!" That wasn't exactly what he wanted to say, but he didn't feel right at the moment. "If... if what we did was too much, then we don't have to do this again if you don't want to. But stay with me, please. Trust me. We can work through this."

"I'm sorry... I feel like such a fool..." The sad expression didn't leave the elf's face. It wasn't a good sign.

"Fenris, I never had such a good... no, great night in my life before." Vlad continued "Do you really not feel the same way about this?"

"This should never have happened in the first place."

"What shouldn't have happened? Getting your memories back because we made love?" Perhaps it was his imagination, but Vlad could swear the elf had cringed at the last word. Love. The rogue knew it was a big word, but that was the truth. He knew that last night wasn't just about sex. He sighed and shook his head "Fenris, I don't get it..."

"To get my memories back and to loose it was... not supposed to happen... just like what we did last night. It was a mistake." Of all the things Vlad had expected him to say, that was probably the worst choice possible. He felt a icy grip on his heart, squeezing tightly. But it wasn't one of Fenris's special abilities. It was his words alone. "Forgive me..."

"No, wait!" Standing up, ignoring his nude state, Vlad was about to walk over, but Fenris hold out his hand, as if to tell him to stay away. "Don't do this..."

"... I remain at your side, Hawke. If you need me for important matters, I will still be at your disposal." The elf looked at the floor as he said this, refusing to meet his gaze. "But... that's it. Only professional matters, nothing more. I hope you understand."

"No, I don't." Vlad replied drily. "I don't understand anything. I don't need you for just... professional matters. I need you because I care for you."

"You're not a fool. You know what I mean." Fenris looked at him again. He was frowning but the rogue could swear that his eyes showed much sadness. "It was a mistake, nothing else... Good-bye."

With that, Fenris quickly left the room, not giving any chance to Hawke to stop him again. But the rogue wouldn't have. He was just too stunned. He simply stood in his room, naked, trying to understand just what happened.  
Minutes passed before he finally walked back to his bed and sat down. He didn't understand. Fenris had no reason to leave. Vlad knew it, just like he knew Fenris also cared. What happened last night couldn't have been a mistake. It was meant to happen.  
But it hurt. Badly. He felt like his heart had been ripped apart... and it made his body growing cold. Slowly, he stood up and went to get dressed. He had to ignore this feeling. He never felt that way before, and it hurt worst than any battle wound...

*****A few weeks later*****

If a word shouldn't be used to describe Varric, it would be this one: Idiot.  
Sure, the dwarf enjoyed making up stories about his human friend, but he also knew when to talk about serious things. And that was what he wanted to do with Hawke. The rogue had behaved strangely those last weeks. He didn't joke as much as he used to, didn't smile much either... and barely brought Fenris along anymore.

The official reason was that Hawke wanted to let him rest, to not bother him with matters like chasing mercenaries, murderers and such... but Varric knew it was all bullshit. Something had happened.  
He remembered when Isabella had told him how she'd caught him and Fenris kissing outside his mansion. He hadn't been a joke, as the dwarf did see the looks these two would exchange, sometimes the touch that lingered longer than it should... Though Varric had found it very interesting, he had also grown concerned. He knew Fenris was someone hard to understand, not especially friendly and with lot of problems related to his past. How Hawke had managed to get through his thick shield was a wonder, but now... his friend was clearly avoiding him like the plague.  
And as for Fenris... things weren't much better, as the elf seemed to brood even more than before and would look at Hawke with sorrow each time his back was turned. Even Isabella had seen it, and had told Varric that Hawke would simply shrug each time she'd ask him, pretending he didn't know and that it was best to just leave the elf alone.

"And then what happened?" Oh, yes. He had to finish telling his story before going to see Hawke at his mansion. Today, he made up a story on how Hawke had defeated a dangerous slaver who planned to take over Lowtown. Something soft, for once.

"Well, the slaver was sure he had enough time to run off with all his gold... and then Hawke tore the door clean off its hinges, walked into the room, and..."

He stopped as he saw a figure entering the inn. Hawke. The dwarf smiled. He wouldn't need to go to Hightown, then. "I guess we'll finish this later."

"What? But what was Hawke about to do?"

"Excuse-me." Varric's audience turned around to see Hawke looking at them and than the dwarf with a half-smile. Varric saw easily that it wasn't his usual smirk, but at least, that was something. "Hawke is about to talk to his friend... if you all don't mind."

Reluctantly, the audience left, leaving Hawke and Varric alone. The human shook his head and looked at him.

"Have you got a minute, Varric?" he asked. The dwarf nodded and left his hand to the stairs. "Come to my room, we'll feel more at ease. And... actually, I've been meaning to talk to you."

The pair went upstairs, just stopping by to ask Edwina for a few pints, before going to Varric's private room. Vlad sat down, sighing and rubbing his eyes. He looked very tired. More than these last weeks. For how long didn't he get a good night of sleep?

"Are you feeling alright?" Varric asked. "You look like you need your beauty sleep."

"Ha ha... Didn't sleep last night, I've been... well, never mind. I even forgot why I came here in the first place."

"Hawke... maybe we should talk another time, then."  
"No, that's fine. I'm here, so... What did you want to talk about?"

"Hmm." The dwarf could see that his friend had a lot on his mind. And he doubted it was about the Qunari problem. He might as well be honest. "Well... People say you and that elf... you know, the angsty Tevinter one... are becoming quite the item."

He wanted a reaction... and he did get one. Vlad looked at him sharply, visibly confused, before shaking his head and looking down at his hands again. Varric nodded at this. Something had definitely happened, and he was going to make his friend talk. Might need a few pints to make him to, but he wouldn't give up.

"Quite the item..." Vlad mumbled. "Ha ha ha..."

"Are you pretending this isn't true?" When he got no answer, he continued. "So... what's going on, Hawke?"

Vlad looked back at him again. No expression on his face. The blank look didn't suit him at all. Where did the humorous Vlad Hawke he met three years go? The dwarf was about to talk again when Vlad smiled. A forced one.

"You're jealous?" he said jokingly. "Well, well, well... I never thought you were the type, Varric. I'm flattered."

A forced smile and humor that sounded fake in his ears. But Varric simply smiled and shrugged.

"Hawke, I know I'm damned near irresistible, but you're just too high-maintenance for me. Sorry." he answered. That got a small laugh from the rogue. The first one the dwarf had heard in a few weeks. It sounded good. It was not the full laugh he used to hear before, but it was already a start. "But seriously Hawke... it is true, everyone has seen it."

"Then, why are you asking what's going on if it IS true?"

"Because... I've seen that things have changed." The dwarf said, looking up as Edwina brought them the pints. Vlad took his own and gulped down almost half of it, before coughing. "Hey, go easy with that."

"Pah! Why does it matter?" Vlad put the mug down, sighing. "Things have changed... right. I wonder if things have ever been different."

"Hawke-"

"Varric, you enjoy telling stories about me... you do know what can happen to the hero, right?"

"Of course, anything can happen... he can meet new friends, new enemies, get wounded in battles, die... so many things."

"And he can fall in love as well." A silence fell after Vlad said that. His elbow on the table, he put his chin on his hand, sighing. All humor had left, there was only sorrow on his face. "He can fall in love... deeply in love... and can't do anything about it. He can't keep his eyes off the one that makes him feel that way, wanting to help them, to be there for them... and even so..."

"Hawke..." Vlad took another large gulp on his pint and slammed the mug down on the table. "I-"

"And even so... he ends up loosing him... he became a hero who helps people, but... he still got his heart broken... tiny pieces..." Tears. Hawke was actually crying. He wasn't openly sobbing, but tears were streaming down his face. Varric wondered if his friend was even aware of that. "Yet... he loves him so..."

It didn't take a genius to know that it was all about Fenris. Varric stayed silent, letting his friend talking. And before Vlad realized it, he told Varric what had happened this day. How he had gotten into a new argument with Fenris, when the elf had came back and... when he had left. By the time he had finished his tale, there were no more tears steaming down the human's face. But sadness didn't leave his eyes.

"I'm sorry..." Varric said, sighing "So that's why you were acting so strangely... I knew something bad happened, but... You shouldn't have kept that from me, Hawke."

"More gossip for you is always good..." Vlad finished his pint and sighed before wiping the dried tears from his face. "Heroes always have flaws, don't they?"

"It's not about gossip, it's about your well-being." The dwarf said firmly. "Listen, as your friend, I feel like I'd be doing you a disservice if I didn't say something."

"Humph." Vlad just snorted in answer. "Go ahead. I can't possibly hear anything worse than what he told me."

"Hawke, you do know the elf is covered in spikes, like an angsty porcupine?" The comparison made Vlad smiled a bit, for just a few seconds. "He might have some... issues."

"Tell me about it." Reaching over, he took Varric's pint and took a large gulp. The dwarf said nothing, he didn't feel like drinking anything anymore. "So many issues... and I probably became one of them."

"Hawke, I know you care for him, but this isn't good for you." he said, shaking his head. "Look at yourself... I've never seen you looking so depressed. Everyone is getting worried... Hell, Merrill once told me she'd come over and water your plants to cheer you up. And Anders told me yesterday, he'd come over to keep you company."

"To keep me company, or to get in my pants?" Varric couldn't help laughing at that, but stopped as he saw that his friend wasn't. Vlad sighed, shaking his head. "I didn't miss the way he's looking at me, you know."

"Seems like you've a talent to attract people with, well, serious issues." Vlad laughed a bit at that. "Why, it's true. Anders is a good man, but can be scary at time... well, anyway, it's not about him, it's about you."

"I appreciate your concern..." Vlad sighed and leaned back on his seat. "But I'm not giving up on Fenris. Even if it's over between us, even if I don't understand why he left me... I can't give up. I... will wait."

"Hawke... If you do that, for how long will you have to wait? Maybe a long time... weeks, months, years even. It may never work again." The dwarf sighed. "I'm only saying that because you're my friend, Hawke. I don't like seeing you looking so miserable."

"I know you mean well, Varric." Vlad sighed and smiled faintly at him. "Don't worry, I know what I'm doing."

"I certainly hope so." Vlad nodded and looked down at his hands. In fact, he wasn't sure of anything. Anything but the fact that he loved the elf. And that he missed him. He had a hard time to sleep lately, wondering what he was doing, if he was alright... He still wanted to help him with his problems. Maybe avoiding him wasn't such a good idea. "You know... I've heard that there were slavers hiding in a warehouse in the docks... how about you go get a good night of sleep and that we go there tomorrow? I'm sure broody-elf would love to come with us and find out if it's true."

Looking up, Vlad saw Varric smiling warmly. Blinking a few times, he finally smiled back and nodded, standing up. An invitation to get to hang around Fenris again. He knew Varric was worried about his decision to not give up on him, but he'd still be there to support him. He could only hope that everything would be fine... and that one day, he'd be able to talk to Fenris about their night.  
A night he'd certainly not forget.


End file.
